Evil Part 2
Remember that one time I said this?
And the first place every serious "evil scientist" must start is within themselves.
Yeah that was 2 days ago. It was my favorite line of the article but little did I know it was going to smack me in the face yesterday.
I've been in various forms of talk therapy for about 9 years. I started with a Christian counselor. I've seen several other's since then. Some of them I've worked with for years. I've done group therapy. I've done intensive retreats. I've read so many books I've lost count. I've listened to hundreds of podcasts on the subject of emotional healing. I've done a lot. It's kind of shocking to even try to write out how much I've done.
Last Saturday I did a psilocybin therapy session for the first time. And boy did it deliver. It completely dismantled my understanding of who I am and why I've always been motivated to do the things I do. In essence, it killed me.
I was sexually abused as kid, but only overtly once that I can remember. And that memory wasn't accessible to me until about a year ago. What I didn't realize, until yesterday, is that it's tainted nearly everything I've done since. The mushrooms took my intention of "help me understand the root of my shame" and gave me the slowly unfolding answer. An answer that's still unfolding.
I look back on this blog and it's clear to me now that it too is tainted by this black hole in my chest. There is a spider part of me that tries to draw people in and consume their beauty. Just as mine was drawn in and consumed so long ago.
Anyone who tells you psilocybin mushrooms are a magic pill, they'd be both right and wrong. It is a magic pill, but it's a magic that's killing everything I thought I knew about myself. They call the two week period after doing shrooms a "critical period". It's span of time where your brain reenters a state of childlike neuroplacticty allowing you to learn like you were a kid again.
To me it feels like the mushrooms are continuing to work their magic on me. The insights keep rolling in. And so too does the potential for shame. It's overwhelming to suddenly come face to face with all the harm I've caused without conscious thought. It's feels like drowning to have the unconscious made so suddenly conscious. Bring something from the dark into the light.
I'm grateful I have friends and a very solid therapist to talk through this process.
I'm exceptionally glad this blog is anonymous. It's a way for me to tell the truth without worrying about whether I'm trying to spin a web for you or not.