The Value of One
I'm coming to realize something. The value of this blog was never really about sharing it with people, it was more about facing the feelings that come up in me when I consider sharing something vulnerable.
Everything I experience in the world is nothing more than a complex series of neuronal connections. What I call my "self" is in reality a sophisticated model of the world that essentially runs itself. There is no higher order thinking that sits above thoughts. Everything is just thoughts. I owe a great deal to Sam Harris and his work on meditation for this insight. He's the only meditation teacher I've been able to stomach long enough to grasp the underlying truth of it.
So even the feeling of having a readership is just a thought in my head. And I'm realizing I don't care about that. When I allow my mind to be expansive, as one can encounter through psychedelics or meditation, suddenly even the most seemingly ordinary thing takes on infinite meaning. I could easily spend hours engrossed in a blade of grass if I was able to relax my mind enough. And that isn't just a trick. Value is just another thought that seems to naturally emerge when sufficient attention is paid to anything. That's probably why advertisements are so lucrative. Our attention really is the only thing we have.
I remember this quote from somewhere that finally makes sense to me:
If anything matters, everything matters
I'm just grateful that luck has brought me here.